Murderous Thoughts
by T-R-Us
Summary: Life, despite all it's made out to be, must be the most precious thing one can have... And people throw it away every day. Why? There are few who know the results of murderous thoughts...[1.MALIK 2.SETO]
1. Malik POV: Resisting the Darkness

Yet another edit, and a reload of this story. I had to put the bold and italics in, and all the old reviews don't fit anymore ; this is #1 in (hopefully) a series of POVs, and I'd like to encourage people to request characters, but I'm warning you that what goes on inside their heads might disturb you slightly O.o (no, I don't do happy stories. Well... I do sometimes when Kai helps me, but that's it.)

Summary: Life - despite all it's make it out to be - must be the most precious thing one can have... and people throw it away every day. Why? There are few who know the results of murderous thoughts, for most have already passed.

MALIK POV-

I'm not insane, and I'm not unreasonable. It's just no one ever sees my side of the story. My life, beyond how insane I appear to be. It's not my fault that I became untrusting, and then drove myself to isolation. That was mostly my father. And, well, I've always wanted to kill the one who caused me all this pain. And I still want to kill him. Unfortunately, he _is_ this pain.

It wasn't until recently that I found that the person – thing – that hurt me most wasn't my father. It was a liable accusation, for I never knew the truth. When someone chains you down, and cuts into your back with a burning knife, and even though you're gagged you try to scream. It's impossible. It's impossible not to try and scream, just like it's impossible to forgive them.

Though I wish I had... because once you kill them... you can't go back. You can't undo what you've done no matter how much you want or need to. You feel the need to forgive them, but they can't hear you. They don't care. And worse, they don't know... and they never will.  
  
You ever think, wish you could do something to somebody, you don't really mean it, but you want it, for that second. You ever wonder what it's like doing those things and being granted that wish? It doesn't feel as good as you might think. In fact... it's horrible. Because of knowing that I kill people on whim has forced me to live in fear of myself. Especially when I let the thought through; the one thought that has crossed my mind every day of my life for as long as I can remember.  
  
_I just want to die.   
_  
I figure that if I just kill myself, they'll all forgive me. No one will criticize me, no one will bother me, no one will know about me. Frantically I try to erase the thought out of my mind, which just proves how much I really want to stay alive.  
  
My God-forsaken attachment to this world forces me to stay here, where people can't trust me, and I can't trust anyone, myself included.  
  
Now I can hear that taunting, coaxing voice that I loathe but still love to give in to at the back of my mind. Just telling me it can all end. I can give up my life; give up everything. No more torture, no more guilt. Such an inviting thought...  
  
I almost let myself fall into the darkness, before pulling back out. No matter how much I want it, that's the selfish, coward's way out. Not mine. Not to say I'm not selfish, but to say that I'm not a coward, and I don't fear to live this life through.  
  
**_You're don't do you?_**  
  
There it is. That voice.  
  
**_You're not a coward? I don't frighten you? I beg to differ. You killed your father, in your struggle to live, _you_ directed _me_. The chains of your soul that you so neatly crafted for yourself bind and direct you, I don't.  
_**  
I don't understand, and don't reply. He scoffs, and tries to pull me into the darkness once again. I can't escape the constant pull, and am forced to listen.  
  
**_I don't influence you as much as you think. You have wanted everything I've ever done. To you, to those people you called "friends", even to your father. I did that, because you wished it._**  
  
_Then why don't you die?_   
  
**_That answer is simple. You don't want it_**.  
  
I sigh, pushing his voice out of my head again, but the thoughts induced by that voice linger. I know I don't hate him as much as I should. What he says is true, isn't it? I still want things, vengeful things that I wanted in the past. He'll do that. He'll help me. More than anyone else can or will.  
  
Not that he cares. He just likes to hear the final scream of someone as they fall onto the ground. To step on them to hear the last pitiful noise they make. I hate thinking back on it, but I can't help it, or say that it's not enjoyable at the time. The rush of blood, of satisfaction as the victim falls to the ground. I've always liked to see people tortured. Or at least, as far back as I can remember I have...  
  
**_Only one as weak as you would doubt yourself at this point in your life; there's no turning back from who you are._**  
  
_Who you are isn't who I am. _He tries to interrupt me, but I just continue. I have to ignore him. _I can't trust you. _My head's pounding now, throbbing with every beat of my heart. He must be furious.

**_You can't even trust yourself? You're more or a childish coward than you expected. I've given you what you've wanted, haven't I?_**_  
  
No. You're just using me. You and I both know that—_

**_That WHAT child?_**  
  
The voice pounds against my skull so hard I fall onto the floor stunned. Clasping my hands over my head I fall back into the dark nothingness that I now can't escape._ That..._ I start, unable to grasp a thought. I try, but the pain was now loudly pulsating through my head and I could hardly stand the effort it took to think.

"I haven't always been this way... I'm not like you," I sighed quietly, meekly, unable to fight the pain but somehow sure of what I said, my abstract thoughts pulling themselves together. "It was all... it was all you. That's the truth."  
  
**_Is it? Can you really comfort yourself with that? Such a childish dream._** Silently I cringe and as if I was gagged, I couldn't scream. Suddenly I felt my back burn with pain and again, tried to scream. My eyes were closed tightly as if I didn't want to see the floor that my head now rested on.  
  
_I'm not that weak. I won't give in._ With one final effort I manage to free my mind from his grasp. Quickly I sit up and – light headed and flushed – I manage to calm myself, though I don't dare look at my surroundings. Finally, I sigh, relieved to have survived the encounter and that I didn't give in, that would have just hurt more, to know that another person died at my hands. It's been calming really, to realize what I've known for so long. That it's all lies. I look out the window into the night sky. Night. That's how long I've been sitting here. Last I checked it was mid-afternoon. I sighed deeply, trying to clear my thoughts, then I looked back in my mind at all the things I've done, trying to free something, anything of a good memory.  
  
I don't prevail in finding anything, but I do still remember the day that my father... died. That was really the best day of my life. I can't really say now that I don't like the thought of him being dead, I don't think I would've survived this long with him as my dad. Not long at all, in fact he _would_ have killed me, he said so himself.  
  
I think back to what I thought before, maybe then, definitely then, I was under his influence. It's not impossible to forgive someone that's done that, just hard. I think wanting him dead was just the easiest way out. It probably was. The easiest road is the one most often taken. But it was kill or be killed. I shut my eyes momentarily and remember how much it had strained them to focus on the sunlight after 10 years of living underground. I take it for granted now, the sun and every passing day. I'll try not to; it's a gift really. 

I open my eyes once more to look out over the town of Domino city from my room in my sister's apartment, climbing onto the bed I'd fallen off of in thought earlier. The lights of the town were beautiful, shimmering distortedly through the raindrops on my window. _Rain?_ I thought, realizing it must have fallen when I'd been 'talking' to my other self.

_Perhaps he did do me a favour._ My thoughts return to my other self, knowing he's sitting at the back of my mind, waiting for my emotions to turn so he can take over. _I wouldn't be alive if he hadn't appeared that day. He killed my father and attempted to kill my step-brother... but that day he helped me unbeknownst to himself._

_I wouldn't have gotten a second chance... Father, I'm sorry, I'm not who you wanted me to be, but it's who I am. _Somehow I feel like I've taken a weight off my chest, almost like I've been forgiven. _All I can be is who I am._

Yawning, I sprawl myself out on the bed, glad to have made it through another day alive. 

-END-


	2. Seto POV: To Remember and Embrace

Thanks for the review, it was very kind. I hope to get your Jono POV asap . I'd been working on this for a while, forgive me if it's out of character but I don't know Seto's character very well. lol. This is actually quite cute...

**SETO POV-**

****

People are fools. It's true that we assume we're smart, but the ones who think their smart are obviously the ones who know the least. And the ones who know their smart... I've come to realize we're just as foolish, because even our goals in life have no meaning. Although we may have goals in our lives, after a long treacherous journey of getting to one's goal, do we feel the satisfaction we deserve?

Or perhaps it was just me that found the top was lacking; because though I was at the top, I was still only a person – and though I try to act higher – I'm still no different from those worthless bums living out on the streets. Being human can't be fixed either, so once you've reached this goal and you're at the top you finally realize you're a slave to everyone else, their wishes are what most companies produce, and they live through their idealistic version of who you are.

Too bad my life _isn't_ ideal.

I wanted to be the best. When I was a child in the orphanage, all I wanted was to be taken home, taken out of the hell my late parents had set up for my brother and I. When we finally got out our situation hardly improved. I was taught to settle for nothing but the best, and when I got the best to throw it back and demand something better. What my so-called 'father' never knew was that his hell would come back and claim him.

It must have been quite the surprise for him when I took over Kaiba Corp. In fact, I _know_ it shocked him. Not because I'm a genius, or because I can see though the worthless feelings of even more worthless people. No, it was because on that day, blinded by the shock he showed me what it was to lose.  
  
That day he jumped out of the window at the top of the Kaiba Corp skyscraper. He looked at me from the head of the table at the very conference I was elected and told me "to lose is to die," and following his own foolish principle died a horrible death hitting the concrete forty stories below.

That was the day I vowed never to lose at anything in my life, for loss meant death. Thus I became the owner of the top technology and gaming company in the world, and as if that wasn't enough, my brother and I both became expert gamers. I was the top gamer in the world, known to every person young or old. My fame was short lived though; I was soon shot from where I stood at the top of the world.

A complicated situation arose, in which I'd ended up challenging some kid who wanted to 'avenge his grandfather'. I could tell he'd never dueled in his life, his strategies were weak, and he relied on luck and 'the heart of the cards'. I had him beat, but as a consequence for my own arrogance I was forced from my throne. Overnight, I became second best and this half-wit was named 'The Kind of Games'.

I tried to pay him back. He was invited to a dueling tournament and I forced him to lose by threatening to throw my life away, using my adoptive father's own principal. When he didn't kill me, I was more furious than I'd ever been in my life. I was absolutely furious – it was like he was _mocking_ me.

After careful planning and consideration I planned more strategies, all geared towards his deck. It wasn't long before I was ready to face him again, but this time I decided it should be in the finals. So after a long road of getting to where I needed to be to face him, we finally faced off once again. And once again, I lost. Worse, I lost on live national television. Now I'm no one.  
  
And that leaves me where I am now. Trying to get some sort of grasp on why brute force and intelligence can't stand up to what is obviously the longest case of beginner's luck there has ever been. But this lucky streak is so unreal. It defies all logic. There is a million to one – or lower – chance of this happening; of someone winning every game they play. And by some stroke of insanity, they still win when they lose.

And the 'heart of the cards', he can't just say I lost, he has to give it this deep, philosophical meaning. And it must be the most ridiculous thing I've ever been forced to believe! The idea of a loss being nothing but death made more sense than this. This, this just drives me to insanity. There is no way such a thing could exist.

Even when I put my heart into the game I failed. When it came to rescuing my brother, the one thing I had really wanted to do, I failed. I felt the value of my life leave me little by little with each passing day. And now, having been unsuccessful, I'm left with nothing. Gonzoboro Kaiba would have shot me by now.

I've given it some thought and decided though I'm a genius, out of all the fools that inhabit this world; I'm the largest one. Whether it's because I didn't listen to that little freak, or because I've overanalyzed the situation, I have become the biggest fool on this planet with all my losses to back me up.

And now, though I have no life left, though I've failed in my goals of always being the best I don't feel angry or remorseful. Only empty. I know I should be feeling _something_ just that something is being quite illusive.

And now... Mokuba. Throughout all this he's supported me, and I always tried to be there for him like a big brother should be, but because of my company and my pride... I can't even do that. He was always so proud and so well known. Now kids are on his back because I lost, because some 16-year-old half my height beat me at what should have been my own game.

_Mokuba.. if only I could be a better big brother._ I sighed, sinking back into the armchair I was sitting in. My laptop was on in front of me, but I couldn't work. Not with all this on my mind, I haven't been able to work well since the end of battle city.

And to make matters worse, I could never forget that day our parents died... and I don't think he's forgotten either.

_'Big Brother... What happened?'_ Mokuba's tone of voice was worried and distant.

_'Its nothing Mokuba, Mom and Dad are going to be fine.' _

_'Then where are they taking us? I'm not stupid Seto. Tell me the truth!'_

_'Mokuba... everything will be okay,'_ I'd grabbed his hand to reassure him... but nothing worked. He's been persistent all his life.

_'Seto, what are you talking about? Let go! What happened?'_

Like every time I remembered this day the exact words I said rang through my head clearly, as if it hadn't been more than 6 years ago that this had happened. _They're dead. The crash killed them._

_'What? ..No! ...no,' _his shoulders sagged and he'd taken his eyes from me. He should never have had to hear that. A child so young doesn't need to know death.

_'Don't worry Mokuba. I'm still here. I always will be. Just like mom and dad, I'll protect you.'_

_'You'll never leave?'_

_'Never.'_

_'You're the best Big Brother... Thanks.'_

I leaned over, resting my elbows on my desk, and my head in my hands. I told him I'd always be there for him, yet where the hell was I now? Work. Everywhere, everything, any time, it's all work. Time never used to be an issue when we were kids, not until we were adopted. Now to spend time with him is just a chore... a chore I don't find myself willing to do often enough.

"Seto?" I looked up; Mokuba had closed my laptop, and was looking over it at me. Usually I'd have been furious with him for interrupting my work, but as I thought of what I'd realized, what I'd promised so many years ago, I only sighed. "Is something wrong?"

"Yes," I replied bluntly, and as my cold gaze met his, he looked away. I shook my head. "Look at me Mokuba."

He looked up and looked as if he was about to cry. "You don't need to worry," I said reassuringly, not wanting him to get all worked up. "It's my fault. You tell me all the time you want you're brother back, and I never really took to heart what you said. I'm sorry Mokuba."

Now Mokuba's expression had turned to one of being sad and worried, to something that almost seemed stunned. "You... What are you saying?"

"That I should stop putting the company so far ahead of you. I promised I'd always be there for you, and I might as well not even be here."

"But what about the company?" Mokuba asked, looking at me like I was insane. "You can't just abandon it..."

I nodded sadly, it was true. It was just so hard to spend time together with me working constantly. "I can still try to break away from working every once in a while, there's no one here forcing me to work anymore," I felt a faint smile tug at my lips as he beamed at me, nodding and grabbing my arm like he was going to shake my hand.

"It's a deal," he said confidently before he turned to leave. "Oh, Seto?"

I stopped in the midst of opening my laptop to look at him. "Yes?"

"Thanks," he smiled once more as he stood in the middle of the room and just before he left turned to say one last thing.

"I missed you big brother."

-END-

R&R!


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